I was created in a debris-strewn alley when an unnamed transient screwed a discarded waffle iron beneath some high-tension wires during a thunderstorm. The motion of his wrinkly member repeatedly penetrating that malfunctioning appliance caused it to short-circuit at the very same moment Jupiter slid into alignment with a fluorescent light globe manufacturing plant in downtown New Jersey, thus tearing a hole in the very fabric of reality and causing an elderly musk rat to violently expel me from its anus in a large cloud of argon gas. In my larval stage I resembled a small elliptical puffer fish with training wheels and I divided my time pretty much equally between foraging for mossy deposits growing on the undercarriage of parked cars and attempting to attack low-flying aircraft. After several years on the street, I was found by a kind-hearted Vietnamese sailor, on shore leave and trawling the back alleys for hookers, and adopted by him shortly thereafter. I spent the next six years sailing around the world on a Vietnamese whaler, earning my keep by eating the barnacles that periodically attached themselves to the hull of the ship, until it was scuttled by a rogue manatee in 1946. After washing ashore in early 1947, I won a scholarship at Cambridge University, where I quickly discovered how to steal paper clips from the faculty supply closet. After graduating, I spent the next decade or so making a fairly decent profit smuggling anencephalic babies into Libya, hidden in Pringles cans secreted deep within the cavernous armpits of my beloved camel, Roseanne. I was going by the name "Aluminum Harry" at the time and my forehand serve was legendary. If I'm not entirely mistaken, I believe it was at some point during this period that I invented chalk. As a highly sought-after and rare delicacy, trading in anencephalous infants was an extremely lucrative source of income for anyone with the fortitude to brave the dangerous border-crossings and inhospitable desert terrain. The Libyan Royalty were especially partial and would pay a handsome price for prime merchandise. Alas, after nearly fifteen years, my illustrious career abruptly came to an end after I insulted the King Of Libya's hairiest (and thus most desirable) daughter by refusing to pelt her unconscious with melons (a local custom I was not aware of). I spent most of the interim years up until this point in a dank Libyan jail cell attempting to train hundreds of cockroaches and gnats to cover my body from head to toe and fly me to freedom through an uncovered ventilation shaft high up in the stone ceiling of my prison. Unfortunately, I succeeded only in contracting Amoebic Dysentery thirty-six times. I eventually managed to make my escape by presenting my jailer with a lovely hand-woven rhinestone-studded silk bra and asking very politely to be released. After the guard covered his eyes and began counting to twenty, I slipped away from the prison compound in the dead of night, now entirely penniless and, wearing only a small radish, set off for my homeland on a conveniently nearby-parked dog sled.

27th July 2014

Photo reblogged from The smiling Sam with 119 notes

Source: themagicfarawayttree

27th July 2014

Photo reblogged from The smiling Sam with 53,623 notes

Source: netlfix

27th July 2014

Photoset reblogged from too cool with 35,739 notes

blamemyartisticlicense:

moonstresss:

People Who Are Having A Worse Day Than You

It’s awful that this made me really happy isn’t it?

Source: moonstresss

27th July 2014

Photo reblogged from Psychara with 1,838 notes

xtoxictears:

theleatherboots:

Vivienne Westwood platforms


These could actually be kinda cute

xtoxictears:

theleatherboots:

Vivienne Westwood platforms

These could actually be kinda cute

Source: theleatherboots

27th July 2014

Photoset reblogged from Psychara with 565,705 notes

ellyosa:

thedistantgirl:

plagueutopia:

in-twilight-realms:

image

It’s back

I CANT STOP LAUGHING

this will always be my favorite

Source: unfocusedmind

27th July 2014

Photo reblogged from Psychara with 13,325 notes

Source: tokyotwins

27th July 2014

Photo reblogged from The smiling Sam with 4,716 notes

Source: porn4ladies

27th July 2014

Photo reblogged from The smiling Sam with 62 notes

nilenna:

primal by saddy-phto

nilenna:

primal by saddy-phto

Source: nilenna

27th July 2014

Photo reblogged from with 1,373 notes

Source: highvictoriana

27th July 2014

Photo reblogged from Ruined Childhood with 13,143 notes

hagakuresdrugdealer:

i legit want this on the wall somewhere in my livingroom

hagakuresdrugdealer:

i legit want this on the wall somewhere in my livingroom

Source: hagakuresdrugdealer

27th July 2014

Photo reblogged from Ruined Childhood with 25,741 notes

Source: annabellehector

27th July 2014

Photo reblogged from The smiling Sam with 1,355 notes

Source: noperfectdayforbananafish

22nd July 2014

Photo reblogged from Ruined Childhood with 3,467 notes

Source: liquidatomicgonads

22nd July 2014

Photo reblogged from Ruined Childhood with 17,238 notes

Source: ipu-m

22nd July 2014

Photo reblogged from too cool with 217,887 notes

onemuseleft:

ittlebitz:

starrysleeper:

Wait a minute…

I have been laughing at this for hours now…

So, true story. The woman in this photo is Kendra Kaplan. Her husband was in Iraq for twelve months but the military has this thing called leave. Some of us may recognize the concept from old episodes of Star Trek. In this photo she is five months pregnant after conceiving her second child during her husband’s leave. That envelope in her hand is the ultrasound results. She waited for him to come home to find out if it was a girl or a boy.
There’s been several articles about it.The photo resulted in this woman receiving so much hate mail, from both internet cut-ups and the actual media, that she even took a paternity test and provided proof of her husband’s leave schedule. Her real life friends have stopped talking to her over these rumors.  
Oh, and by the way, that baby bump is a two year old by now. People are still shitting on this woman over a nasty internet meme two years later.
So in short, you’re mocking a faithful wife for something that isn’t any of our damn business anyway and has long since been disproven. 
Good job Internet.

onemuseleft:

ittlebitz:

starrysleeper:

Wait a minute…

I have been laughing at this for hours now…

So, true story. The woman in this photo is Kendra Kaplan. Her husband was in Iraq for twelve months but the military has this thing called leave. Some of us may recognize the concept from old episodes of Star Trek. In this photo she is five months pregnant after conceiving her second child during her husband’s leave. That envelope in her hand is the ultrasound results. She waited for him to come home to find out if it was a girl or a boy.

There’s been several articles about it.The photo resulted in this woman receiving so much hate mail, from both internet cut-ups and the actual media, that she even took a paternity test and provided proof of her husband’s leave schedule. Her real life friends have stopped talking to her over these rumors.  

Oh, and by the way, that baby bump is a two year old by now. People are still shitting on this woman over a nasty internet meme two years later.

So in short, you’re mocking a faithful wife for something that isn’t any of our damn business anyway and has long since been disproven. 

Good job Internet.

Source: itscalledfashionlookitup