I was created in a debris-strewn alley when an unnamed transient screwed a discarded waffle iron beneath some high-tension wires during a thunderstorm. The motion of his wrinkly member repeatedly penetrating that malfunctioning appliance caused it to short-circuit at the very same moment Jupiter slid into alignment with a fluorescent light globe manufacturing plant in downtown New Jersey, thus tearing a hole in the very fabric of reality and causing an elderly musk rat to violently expel me from its anus in a large cloud of argon gas. In my larval stage I resembled a small elliptical puffer fish with training wheels and I divided my time pretty much equally between foraging for mossy deposits growing on the undercarriage of parked cars and attempting to attack low-flying aircraft. After several years on the street, I was found by a kind-hearted Vietnamese sailor, on shore leave and trawling the back alleys for hookers, and adopted by him shortly thereafter. I spent the next six years sailing around the world on a Vietnamese whaler, earning my keep by eating the barnacles that periodically attached themselves to the hull of the ship, until it was scuttled by a rogue manatee in 1946. After washing ashore in early 1947, I won a scholarship at Cambridge University, where I quickly discovered how to steal paper clips from the faculty supply closet. After graduating, I spent the next decade or so making a fairly decent profit smuggling anencephalic babies into Libya, hidden in Pringles cans secreted deep within the cavernous armpits of my beloved camel, Roseanne. I was going by the name "Aluminum Harry" at the time and my forehand serve was legendary. If I'm not entirely mistaken, I believe it was at some point during this period that I invented chalk. As a highly sought-after and rare delicacy, trading in anencephalous infants was an extremely lucrative source of income for anyone with the fortitude to brave the dangerous border-crossings and inhospitable desert terrain. The Libyan Royalty were especially partial and would pay a handsome price for prime merchandise. Alas, after nearly fifteen years, my illustrious career abruptly came to an end after I insulted the King Of Libya's hairiest (and thus most desirable) daughter by refusing to pelt her unconscious with melons (a local custom I was not aware of). I spent most of the interim years up until this point in a dank Libyan jail cell attempting to train hundreds of cockroaches and gnats to cover my body from head to toe and fly me to freedom through an uncovered ventilation shaft high up in the stone ceiling of my prison. Unfortunately, I succeeded only in contracting Amoebic Dysentery thirty-six times. I eventually managed to make my escape by presenting my jailer with a lovely hand-woven rhinestone-studded silk bra and asking very politely to be released. After the guard covered his eyes and began counting to twenty, I slipped away from the prison compound in the dead of night, now entirely penniless and, wearing only a small radish, set off for my homeland on a conveniently nearby-parked dog sled.

27th April 2012

Photo reblogged from DON'T TOUCH ME with 14,651 notes


  1. in-the-edge-to-a-beginning reblogged this from my-world-is-an-illusion
  2. disgracefulheart reblogged this from blxck-list
  3. prettyygirlsmakegraves reblogged this from grumpy-doll
  4. fear-of-the-fate reblogged this from blxck-list
  5. grumpy-doll reblogged this from blxck-list
  6. magicallmeg reblogged this from blxck-list
  7. blackjesusamenfashi0n reblogged this from blxck-list
  8. lovest0nedd reblogged this from blxck-list
  9. blxck-list reblogged this from que-hay-despues-de-la-muerte
  10. que-hay-despues-de-la-muerte reblogged this from pansalvaje1
  11. pansalvaje1 reblogged this from una-chica-mass
  12. perdidatotalmente reblogged this from cuerpos-vivos-almas-muertas
  13. holiwi-me reblogged this from maldito-chubaca
  14. cuanto-mas-tengoque-esperar reblogged this from esa-boca-sensual-con-brackets
  15. lapincheandy reblogged this from soymachilenaquelosporotos
  16. falsas-sonrisas-llantos-de-noche reblogged this from babasonik4
  17. haz-de-cuenta-que-nunca-paso reblogged this from blooond
  18. less--reality reblogged this from soymachilenaquelosporotos
  19. and-were-happy-forever reblogged this from eres-libre
  20. desgarre-demente reblogged this from justsmile-angy
  21. justsmile-angy reblogged this from vomited-illusions
  22. babasonik4 reblogged this from blue-and-red-veins
  23. caca-de-pou reblogged this from soymachilenaquelosporotos
  24. soymachilenaquelosporotos reblogged this from cataalinna
  25. vomited-illusions reblogged this from w-e-w-e-r-e-b-o-r-n-to-d-i-e
  26. youareallthatmatterstomee reblogged this from sonrie-esgratis
  27. soy-timida-y-rara reblogged this from miau-rawr-cuack
  28. nosoyloquepiensan reblogged this from miau-rawr-cuack
  29. primadonna-girl-h reblogged this from tides-will-bring-mebacktoyou
  30. miau-rawr-cuack reblogged this from eres-libre
  31. valentinaherrera10 reblogged this from esa-boca-sensual-con-brackets
  32. sonrie-esgratis reblogged this from you-are-not-free
  33. eres-libre reblogged this from mimama-esvirgen
  34. samsammonster reblogged this from cuerpos-vivos-almas-muertas
  35. mimama-esvirgen reblogged this from you-are-not-free
  36. fuuuuuuuckall reblogged this from blooond
  37. you-are-not-free reblogged this from blooond
  38. tenemos-tantasmiradas-encomun reblogged this from deja-de-ser-imbecil