I was created in a debris-strewn alley when an unnamed transient screwed a discarded waffle iron beneath some high-tension wires during a thunderstorm. The motion of his wrinkly member repeatedly penetrating that malfunctioning appliance caused it to short-circuit at the very same moment Jupiter slid into alignment with a fluorescent light globe manufacturing plant in downtown New Jersey, thus tearing a hole in the very fabric of reality and causing an elderly musk rat to violently expel me from its anus in a large cloud of argon gas. In my larval stage I resembled a small elliptical puffer fish with training wheels and I divided my time pretty much equally between foraging for mossy deposits growing on the undercarriage of parked cars and attempting to attack low-flying aircraft. After several years on the street, I was found by a kind-hearted Vietnamese sailor, on shore leave and trawling the back alleys for hookers, and adopted by him shortly thereafter. I spent the next six years sailing around the world on a Vietnamese whaler, earning my keep by eating the barnacles that periodically attached themselves to the hull of the ship, until it was scuttled by a rogue manatee in 1946. After washing ashore in early 1947, I won a scholarship at Cambridge University, where I quickly discovered how to steal paper clips from the faculty supply closet. After graduating, I spent the next decade or so making a fairly decent profit smuggling anencephalic babies into Libya, hidden in Pringles cans secreted deep within the cavernous armpits of my beloved camel, Roseanne. I was going by the name "Aluminum Harry" at the time and my forehand serve was legendary. If I'm not entirely mistaken, I believe it was at some point during this period that I invented chalk. As a highly sought-after and rare delicacy, trading in anencephalous infants was an extremely lucrative source of income for anyone with the fortitude to brave the dangerous border-crossings and inhospitable desert terrain. The Libyan Royalty were especially partial and would pay a handsome price for prime merchandise. Alas, after nearly fifteen years, my illustrious career abruptly came to an end after I insulted the King Of Libya's hairiest (and thus most desirable) daughter by refusing to pelt her unconscious with melons (a local custom I was not aware of). I spent most of the interim years up until this point in a dank Libyan jail cell attempting to train hundreds of cockroaches and gnats to cover my body from head to toe and fly me to freedom through an uncovered ventilation shaft high up in the stone ceiling of my prison. Unfortunately, I succeeded only in contracting Amoebic Dysentery thirty-six times. I eventually managed to make my escape by presenting my jailer with a lovely hand-woven rhinestone-studded silk bra and asking very politely to be released. After the guard covered his eyes and began counting to twenty, I slipped away from the prison compound in the dead of night, now entirely penniless and, wearing only a small radish, set off for my homeland on a conveniently nearby-parked dog sled.

27th April 2012

Photo reblogged from with 2,115 notes

Source: kugyuu

  1. mahou-melody reblogged this from kiriekagarino
  2. superfantabulousnessness reblogged this from myundeadromance
  3. ask-mariaite-and-lucas reblogged this from yellow-link
  4. oyeelaliee reblogged this from fiestadecorridos
  5. fiestadecorridos reblogged this from kawaiikhaleesii
  6. kawaiikhaleesii reblogged this from jediflip
  7. alvida reblogged this from punkhazardmoved
  8. punkhazardmoved reblogged this from kiriekagarino
  9. nephithys reblogged this from madokamagick
  10. madokamagick reblogged this from sutari-sukai
  11. yandere-loid reblogged this from sasori--danna
  12. unrireunlilas11 reblogged this from gifpeanutbutter
  13. rasburry reblogged this from kureome
  14. kureome reblogged this from rollingbarrel
  15. jaysca101 reblogged this from kamikukisama
  16. neet-hime reblogged this from soundphase
  17. gvpsy reblogged this from gvpsy
  18. ladydepakin reblogged this from pukakke
  19. pukakke reblogged this from virginal-princess
  20. un04 reblogged this from lily-bird
  21. lily-bird reblogged this from rollingbarrel
  22. 95jpg reblogged this from everything-japan-and-korea
  23. bourbonsheep reblogged this from ojiru
  24. rainatnight reblogged this from gifpeanutbutter
  25. queen-of-chalices reblogged this from muss-itation
  26. sa-chan-sexy-hentai reblogged this from hardcorenyan
  27. angelgrrl reblogged this from imouto-doll
  28. imouto-doll reblogged this from dolly-hearts
  29. usagiihime reblogged this from dolly-hearts
  30. spacingwill reblogged this from p--part-of-me
  31. juko reblogged this from sukoshiyurie
  32. muss-itation reblogged this from sukoshiyurie
  33. sukoshiyurie reblogged this from sei-no