I was created in a debris-strewn alley when an unnamed transient screwed a discarded waffle iron beneath some high-tension wires during a thunderstorm. The motion of his wrinkly member repeatedly penetrating that malfunctioning appliance caused it to short-circuit at the very same moment Jupiter slid into alignment with a fluorescent light globe manufacturing plant in downtown New Jersey, thus tearing a hole in the very fabric of reality and causing an elderly musk rat to violently expel me from its anus in a large cloud of argon gas. In my larval stage I resembled a small elliptical puffer fish with training wheels and I divided my time pretty much equally between foraging for mossy deposits growing on the undercarriage of parked cars and attempting to attack low-flying aircraft. After several years on the street, I was found by a kind-hearted Vietnamese sailor, on shore leave and trawling the back alleys for hookers, and adopted by him shortly thereafter. I spent the next six years sailing around the world on a Vietnamese whaler, earning my keep by eating the barnacles that periodically attached themselves to the hull of the ship, until it was scuttled by a rogue manatee in 1946. After washing ashore in early 1947, I won a scholarship at Cambridge University, where I quickly discovered how to steal paper clips from the faculty supply closet. After graduating, I spent the next decade or so making a fairly decent profit smuggling anencephalic babies into Libya, hidden in Pringles cans secreted deep within the cavernous armpits of my beloved camel, Roseanne. I was going by the name "Aluminum Harry" at the time and my forehand serve was legendary. If I'm not entirely mistaken, I believe it was at some point during this period that I invented chalk. As a highly sought-after and rare delicacy, trading in anencephalous infants was an extremely lucrative source of income for anyone with the fortitude to brave the dangerous border-crossings and inhospitable desert terrain. The Libyan Royalty were especially partial and would pay a handsome price for prime merchandise. Alas, after nearly fifteen years, my illustrious career abruptly came to an end after I insulted the King Of Libya's hairiest (and thus most desirable) daughter by refusing to pelt her unconscious with melons (a local custom I was not aware of). I spent most of the interim years up until this point in a dank Libyan jail cell attempting to train hundreds of cockroaches and gnats to cover my body from head to toe and fly me to freedom through an uncovered ventilation shaft high up in the stone ceiling of my prison. Unfortunately, I succeeded only in contracting Amoebic Dysentery thirty-six times. I eventually managed to make my escape by presenting my jailer with a lovely hand-woven rhinestone-studded silk bra and asking very politely to be released. After the guard covered his eyes and began counting to twenty, I slipped away from the prison compound in the dead of night, now entirely penniless and, wearing only a small radish, set off for my homeland on a conveniently nearby-parked dog sled.

29th June 2012

Photoset reblogged from with 62,752 notes

oliphillips:

Travel Posters for Lazy People

by H. Caldwell Tanner

Source: loldwell.com

  1. sirarkamis reblogged this from radioheavy
  2. bumity reblogged this from racsonbill
  3. darklordfluffypoopykinz reblogged this from darklordfluffypoopykinz
  4. digitalispurperea reblogged this from radioheavy
  5. zekesaurus reblogged this from showmealottastuff
  6. cosmicfuckingsupernova reblogged this from tuffee
  7. showmealottastuff reblogged this from homo-online
  8. justsayjom reblogged this from soft-as-lola
  9. soft-as-lola reblogged this from oliphillips
  10. shalmonar reblogged this from spiderwebcity
  11. ambrosialynnn reblogged this from steamydumplingz
  12. p1kkis reblogged this from ashausen
  13. ashausen reblogged this from steamydumplingz
  14. steamydumplingz reblogged this from spiderwebcity
  15. spiderwebcity reblogged this from omervalentine
  16. thunder067 reblogged this from mybrotherthinksiminsane
  17. artandalldat reblogged this from superchalmers
  18. reeahnoseworthy reblogged this from deanssexyasswinchester
  19. deanssexyasswinchester reblogged this from koori-ice
  20. lokidokis reblogged this from whydidicomehereagain
  21. imwanderingagain reblogged this from oliphillips
  22. chai-parrot reblogged this from heyfunniest
  23. ultraparoxyst reblogged this from oliphillips
  24. solar-flares143 reblogged this from heyfunniest
  25. satsuko reblogged this from radiantbutterfly
  26. bananadays reblogged this from cadaverous-bloom
  27. cadaverous-bloom reblogged this from radiantbutterfly
  28. radiantbutterfly reblogged this from roundwithcircles
  29. timeclosingin reblogged this from 10k-notes
  30. spooky-aspen-at-a-distance reblogged this from theatlasofclouds
  31. theatlasofclouds reblogged this from roundwithcircles